Meet the lovely Sarana

My youngest granddaughter, Sara Anna Misti Andersson.
Born 26 February 2011, 3:46am, Stockholm. 3080 grams or 6.79 pounds.

Congratulations, Corey and Marika! She's so very sweet!

Helping Grandchildren Cope with Divorce and Separation

As you know, one of my greatest challenges in life is being a long-distance Grandma. My darling grandchildren live 8,000 miles away and don't speak English. That makes it tough to develop a close relationship with them.

One way I have found to try to forge that bond is to write a steady steam of letters to them. My kids are busy, so I don't always hear what's happening in the grandkids lives, but when I do, I make sure to mention it in my next letter.

But that applies to ballet and karate classes, to getting a new puppy or a new bike.

Sometimes what we hear about what's going on in our grandchildren's lives isn't so cheerful. That was the case recently. My oldest son and his partner are separated and their eldest isn't taking it well. I knew I had to write...but what does one say? There are no words that can make it OK. There just aren't.

I scoured the web looking for help, or at least inspiration. I didn't find much. Perhaps this is all just too personal. But I know that I'm not the only Grandma who wonders what one can possibly say to a grandchild far away and going trough such pain.

In the spirit of sharing what I wish I had found, here is a depersonalized version of the words I found to say. I hope you never need it, but if you do need it, I hope you will find inspiration for something to say to your own dear grandchild.

My beloved grandchild,

I hear from our family that you are very unhappy about the separation between your mother and your father. Rumour has it that you are angry at them for “breaking up the family”.

I am so sad, dear child, that you are hurting. It is, indeed, very difficult when our families break up.

I'm sure this all makes you sad, and angry, and maybe scares you, too, as you wonder what life is going to be like now. As you think about having two homes and not being with the parent you want to talk to when you need them. Maybe you’re even confused, wondering if they don’t love each other anymore, maybe they can stop loving you, too.

Sometimes it is easier to turn all of these crazy emotions into anger, rather than to feel them all at one time. So many strong feelings all at once is overwhelming. I wish that there were some way that it all could be made better for you.

Sadly, I know that there is no way to make you feel better right away. Sometimes, no matter how much they wish it were not the case, parents find that they can no longer be together.

I think that sometimes people fall in love because they need to come together to make a child – a most amazing child! You. But once that child or children are born, they find that the reason they needed to be together has passed and there are other things they need to do now.

No matter how much they try they can’t make it work to live as a family. No matter how fiercely they love you and don’t want you to be hurt, staying partners with someone who is no longer right for them hurts them too much for them to be good parents. If they continue to try, the fighting and the tears and the anger are horrible. They have to separate to make a good life for themselves and for you.

My darling, your parents have tried very hard for a long time to keep the family together for you and your brother. They know how much this hurts because they went though the breakup of their families, too. They swore to themselves and to each other that they would never let this happen. They have tried so hard to love each other as much as they both love you. But it just doesn’t work.

The love between adults and the love of parents for their children are very different. Adults can love each other and still not be able to live together and take care of each other. That’s not true for an adult's love for his or her child; that love and care never ends, even when the child is completely grown. Neither of your parents will never willingly give up taking care of you.

You know, my sweet, even if your mamma and your Pappa were to change their minds, it would never be exactly the same for you as it was in the days when they were happy together. You would always know that they *could* break up, and so you would never again have the same safe feeling that you had when you were tiny. That's one of the sad parts of growing up, I guess.

But your parents won’t change their minds. That part of their lives is over. Now, the most important thing for you to know is that all of your adults still love you very, very much and we always will. It matters a lot to all of us that you feel so many painful feelings and it breaks our hearts that we can’t make this easier for you.

Having a lot of strong feelings when your parents separate is normal. Over time, as you adjust to the new way things work, I think you may start to feel less angry.

Both of your parents will always be there for you, just as they always have been. When you are with one and miss the other, it’s OK to call them, even if you just want to say “I love you. I miss you.”.

When your grandfather and I separated, your Papa seemed to find the transitions between my house and his father’s house the hardest part. If that’s hard for you, too, perhaps it would be helpful to keep something in each of your homes to remind you that both of your families love you very, very much. Maybe you could keep a photo of your Mamma in your room at your Pappa’s apartment and a photo of your Pappa in your room at your Mamma’s apartment. Or maybe the same shirt or scarf at each place so your “don’t have to choose”?

If you can think of something that would be helpful, you can mention it to your parents and I know they will do their very best to help you make the adjustment as easy as possible. If you find it hard to talk to them, perhaps you can call your uncle and ask him to call me, and I will know that if he says you told me to call, that you want me to tell them that you want help adjusting to all these changes.

I know that things are hard right now, sweet child. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about how much you hurt. Over time you will get used to having two families. You may never like it, but you’ll be OK.

It’s normal to be angry with your parents for a while, but please remember that they love you and want to do what’s best for you and they want to help you to adjust to what has to be.

Oh, how I wish that I were near enough to come to you, to take you out for a long walk and listen to you and maybe to hold you if that would make you feel better!!

I love you, sweet darling. I hold you close in my heart and I send lots and lots of warm safe feelings to you.

Your faraway Grandma

Letters to my grandchildren: August 2010

My darling children,

Wanja, I want to thank you for all the beautiful photos you have sent! I have posted photos of all three children on my desk at work, and I gaze into all of their sweet faces every day! I know how busy you are, so I am especially grateful that you take the time to remember me and “keep me in the loop”!

Corey came to visit this month for the first time since he left home. It was wonderful to see him, but one thing his visit did was to make me long to see all of you again, too. This old Grandma’s heart is so full of love for you all that it’s hard to be so far from you as you go through all your interesting times and you grow so fast! (Yes, even you, my lovely adult children – you are growing fast, too! Not physically anymore, I hope, but the changes you go through as you mature in your adulthood are wonderful to me!)

Do you ever play ‘what if’? It’s a game that I invented when I was a young girl, though I think many people invent it.

When I was a small child, my family moved frequently and every school year found me “the new girl”. I was also usually “the fat girl”. That meant I was teased mercilessly at school and was usually pretty unhappy until I was alone. And so, at night, before I went to sleep, I started to play ‘what if’. I dreamed a better life for myself; I dreamed of myself as a popular, pretty girl. I dreamed of myself as athletic, and strong. Later, I dreamed of myself as an adult, with great confidence and many accomplishments. Later still, when Farfar Olof and I were young, newly married, and struggling financially, I dreamed of ‘if money were plentiful in my life”. After a while, I started to get too busy raising my precious sons and making a life for us to spend much time in ‘what if’ very often – but sometimes I still play.

Lately, my favorite ‘what if’ is to dream about what I would do if I had the money to buy a house near you and to fly over frequently, so that we could come and stay near you and be a part of your lives for several months every year – and then also to buy a small house near ours and fly you here to visit and be a part of our lives for several more months every year! Perhaps we could also travel the world together, seeing London, Paris, Moscow, Rome, and Athens, Africa, Asia, India…there are so many interesting things to see in the world! It’s never likely to happen, but it’s a fun dream, and I would if I could.

If you were to play ‘what if’, what would you dream for yourself? Would you travel, in your imagination? Would you grow up to have a certain kind of adventure? Who would you be and what would you do?

‘What if’ can be a lot of fun as game, but it can also be used either a tool, or as a distraction. If you use it as a distraction, it can be like too much television – a way to spend a lot of time in fantasy so that you are too ‘busy’ to really accomplish much. That’s a sad way to live. If you use it as a tool, though, you can imagine yourself in all kinds of exciting adventures and try on different ways of seeing yourself. That can help you to decide how you want to live your life and to know what you need to do to be happy. That’s how I like to use the game.

When I was a young girl, everyone around me expected me to grow up, to marry young, and to have many children, whom I would stay at home to raise while my husband had a job and adventures ‘with the boys”. They thought it was sad that I was “too smart”, because they thought it would be harder for me to find a husband, and being smart would be wasted on a girl. It was expected that I would have many children (my mother was one of 11 children, my father was one of nine children, I was one of six children.) and would be too busy raising them and cooking and cleaning to do much else with my life.

I knew I wanted to be a Mamma, but I also knew that I wouldn’t be happy if that’s all I ever did. I imagined myself as a nurse, caring for babies in the hospital. I imagined myself as a cook on a cruise ship, seeing the world as I took care of the ship’s kitchen. I imagined myself in the Peace Corp, going to desperately poor parts of the world to help people to make better lives for themselves. I didn’t actually do any of those things – but I did learn to see myself as a person who does things and can make things happen. That is a skill that has served me well in my life—especially when things have been very hard. Playing ‘what if’ helped me to imagine new ways to help myself out of the difficulties and into a brand new life!

I would love to hear about your ‘what if’ ideas. Perhaps you could write to me, or draw a picture for me of the adventures you like to imagine for yourself!

My fondest love to you all as autumn creeps in. Enjoy the last days of warm weather and the first days back at school!

Be well, be happy, and be good!

Love,
Grandma Misti

Letters to my grandchildren: July 2010

Beloved children,

What an amazing month it's been!

First, the garden is making amazing progress -- we have had loads of greens (turnip, beet, and radish mostly) and not much else, so far. But the greens have been so good that even Rod likes them and asks for salad! The tomato plants, squash, and watermelon all look like they plan to give us LOTS of fruit, but so far there has been nothing to eat. We have some eggplants and peppers that will be ready in a little while and the tomato plants are taller than I am and have a LOT of green fruit growing. Even Rod has taken an interest in gardening this year, which is good because he is excellent at killing the big bugs that eat our tomatoes!

We'll have lots of juicy red tomatoes in the coming weeks so we will have lots to feed Corey. I am so excited to see Corey! He is coming today! He is getting together with his friend, Lara, before he comes here and then taking the bus to see us, but I will see him this afternoon.

We went to New York State last week and we just got home. It was a LOT of driving -- two days each way! But it was an important trip!

Sixty-four years ago, my mother's mother died; my mother was only seven years old. My grandmother knew that she was going to die before her youngest children were all grown, so she asked her older children (who were already married and had children) to take care of their little sisters and to keep the family together. They did the very best they could to keep the family together and to help my grandfather to raise his littlest daughters. The three older daughters came home every few days to cook for the little children and their father, and the two older sons worked extra jobs to help pay for shoes and clothes for the littlest children. My grandfather continued to do his farm work, while he took care of six little daughters, the youngest of whom was a very small baby.

After the littlest baby was grown and had moved away, the older children remembered what their mother had asked of them as her dying wish, and they decided that they must host a family reunion every July, in honour of her memory.

I can’t afford to make the trip every year, but I do try to go every few years. My brothers try, too. This year, three of my brothers were there and my baby brother brought his grandson, Bo, so it was especially fun! (Bo is only three, so Jack had a chance to be a Big Kid for his little cousin.)

Of course, since we were driving so far, we made a few extra stops. We stopped and said hello to my old college friend, Rich, and his partner. We went to Niagara Falls, too. On the way home we were running late, so we weren't able to stop, but we saw the cottage where the famous English poet, Robert Louis Stevenson, stayed for a year to recover his health at a “spa”. Stevenson wrote a lot of poetry for children and most American kids know at least one of his poems. We also saw, but couldn't stop at, the home of a very famous boy, Alonzo Wilder. He grew up to marry a very famous writer, who wrote a book about his life on that farm. Do you remember that I told you when we were reading Farmer Boy? That's the book about Alonzo's life on that farm -- in the same town where I was born! (Malone, New York). I really want to stop for a few minutes next time we pass by! We also ran out of milk and so we stopped at a lovely farm and bought some of the milk fresh and warm from the cow -- it tastes wonderful!

Jack is just finishing up his school unit about Ancient Egypt and we are preparing to study Ancient Greece. That will take a long time, because we know so much more about Greece than we do about any previous culture! Do you know about Ancient Greece? They developed the style of theatre that later developed into stage plays and then radio plays, and finally the types of television show that we watch today. The Greeks also developed some of the ideas about education that we still use to guide out lives and our schools today! And they were the first to develop the style of art that we still call "classical" and we still try to imitate today. The Greeks are important to know about if we want to understand about Western culture because so much of the way we live started first in Greece. I'll bet Farfar Olof would be very happy to tell you about Ancient Greece -- he LOVES history.

Bella, we saw your photo in your karate Gi! Jack and I are very excited that you are studying karate, too! I will send a photo of him in his gi for you! (I meant to send many photos with this letter, but didn’t get them printed in time. I’m sure you won’t mind another letter when I send them.) Jack hopes to get his gold belt (second level) this autumn, but we don't know exactly when he will be ready. I wish I had been able to afford karate school for Pappa TJ. I think he would have done very well at it. What do you think about that?

Leo, what are you learning these days? Are you or will you study karate? Do you think Pappa would do well at karate? Do you like school? What are you learning about now?

Wanja, I so hope that things are going well for you! I understand how busy you are and I really hope you're not feeling too overwhelmed. I love you, darling girl, and I think about you constantly! Please don’t worry about the things that you “should” do. There will be time for those later, when the kids are older and life is calmer.

I send you all my love; you are in my thoughts often!

Grandma ‘Farmor’ Misti

Letters to my grandchildren: April 2010

My beloved children,

Rain. In the US, and also in England where our American culture was born, April is known for being a rainy month. We have a saying “April Showers Bring May Flowers”. I think that saying is intended to remind people that the horrible, dreadful rain is “worthwhile because it allows the flowers to bloom later”. To me, though, the rain is as worthwhile as the flowers are. I know that some people don’t like rainy days at all, and a bitter cold driving rain in winter when we have to walk to school or to the train isn’t the most pleasant weather, it’s true. It’s nicer in warm weather, of course, but I like a rainy day any time.

Most of the time, rainy days feel calm and introspective to me. Watching a warm rain fall in the spring feels like the rain is washing the world clean and waking up the baby plants that have been sleeping all winter. Watching a windy rain storm in autumn, feels like the earth is “cleaning up”
after a summer of wild growth and making ready to put Her children to bed for the winter. Somehow, it feels easier to take a deep breath and make the time to really think about things with the sound of rain pattering on the windows and roof. Of course, rain can also come with thunderstorm storms, and I love the intense energy and power of those storms. It’s a crazy thing to do, but I just love to go outside and feel the wind whipping my hair and clothes and listen to the deep rumble of thunder as a summer thunderstorm moves in. Of course, I’m not really crazy; if I see lightening, I do get inside out of danger pretty quickly.

Do you have any sayings about rain in Swedish? What do you think about storms and rain? Do you like them? Or does rain make you feel sad, as it does some people? I’d like to know what you think.

It’s spring, and of course that means that I am putting in my garden.

The gardens are much bigger this year than last year – for one thing I started earlier, and for another we are gardening for two families along with our friend, Linda. She likes to call it our “truck garden”. We have gone from our one garden plot to three. Linda has been an expert organic gardener for many years, so I am learning a LOT from her. I am also able to teach her about gardening for maximum nutrition, because she has never added soil supplements to her gardens and that’s something I have been studying for several years now. Even better, we have three strong adults and Jack to help break sod and dig in the supplements and put
in the plants. We have been getting quite a lot done! The potatoes are
in and the lettuce is already starting to come up. In a couple of weeks, around Mamma and farbror Corey’s birthday, it will finally be warm enough to move the more fragile plants from the house to the garden. It’s warm enough during the day already, but it still goes below freezing many nights and so the plants have to stay indoors for a while longer. Does Makata still keep a garden? Do you help her? Jack is very helpful with our garden. He digs and puts in plants and fetches things we’ve forgotten.

Jack will turn seven in a few days! That must mean that you guys are almost 8 (in September) and almost 6 (in November)! Wow! That’s really exciting! You’re getting so big! Perhaps you will both be taller than I am before I get to visit again! Do you think so? Jack is very proud that he is almost 4 feet tall! (Only one inch to go!) He can’t wait to be taller than his old mamma.

Our family has been reading Redwall by Brian Jacques lately. It’s a fun story about a warrior mouse named Matthias. Now there’s an interesting idea. One doesn’t usually think of mice as warriors. Of course, this is a fantasy world of animals such as mice, badgers, squirrels, ferrets, and rats living without any sign of humans … but the animals live much like humans do. They wear clothes and build castles and cathedrals. Matthias the mouse has to defend his home and his friends against the evil rat, Cluny the Scourge and his terrible hoard who are attacking Redwall Abbey and he has many adventures along the way. Since there are 20 more books in the series, I suppose he will win, but sometimes it’s really hard to see how he will get himself out of the scrapes he finds himself in! Perhaps you can find it in your library? It’s an excellent book! Have you read Wind in the Willows or Watership Down yet? It’s similar to those. If you read it, do tell me what you think!

We have had family portraits made, finally, for the first time! We will send those along as quickly as they arrive.

Everyone here is doing well. Rod went through a very, very hard few weeks in March, but he is now stronger and healthier than I have seen him in many years. It seems that every time he gets sick, it is very bad indeed, but when the sickness passes, he is much healthier than he was before. I like this trend! He should be strong and young before long! I am also having some troubles with avoiding the foods that make me sick – it seems that grains and grasses are hidden everywhere and I really have o eat at home where I can control every ingredient. That’s been frustrating, but I feel so much better when I do that it is coming to seem like less of a burden than it did. Jack is still and always healthy and energetic. There has been a falling out in his playgroup, so he’s sad about that, but I know that as the conflict settles down, and he starts to make more new friends, he will go back to being as happy as always!

I love you all and I look forward to hearing from you!
Love,

Grandma

Letters to my Grandchildren: April 2010

My beloved children,

Rain.

In the US, and also in England where our American culture was born, April is known for being a rainy month. We have a saying “April Showers Bring May Flowers”. I think that saying is intended to remind people that the horrible, dreadful rain is “worthwhile because it allows the flowers to bloom later”. To me, though, the rain is as worthwhile as the flowers are. I know that some people don’t like rainy days at all, and a bitter cold driving rain in winter when we have to walk to school or to the train isn’t the most pleasant weather, it’s true. It’s nicer in warm weather, of course, but I like a rainy day any time.

Most of the time, rainy days feel calm and introspective to me. Watching a warm rain fall in the spring feels like the rain is washing the world clean and waking up the baby plants that have been sleeping all winter. Watching a windy rain storm in autumn, feels like the earth is “cleaning up” after a summer of wild growth and making ready to put Her children to bed for the winter. Somehow, it feels easier to take a deep breath and make the time to really think about things with the sound of rain pattering on the windows and roof. Of course, rain can also come with thunderstorm storms, and I love the intense energy and power of those storms. It’s a crazy thing to do, but I just love to go outside and feel the wind whipping my hair and clothes and listen to the deep rumble of thunder as a summer thunderstorm moves in. Of course, I’m not really crazy; if I see lightening, I do get inside out of danger pretty quickly.

Do you have any sayings about rain in Swedish? What do you think about storms and rain? Do you like them? Or does rain make you feel sad, as it does some people? I’d like to know what you think.

It’s spring, and of course that means that I am putting in my garden.

The gardens are much bigger this year than last year – for one thing I started earlier, and for another we are gardening for two families along with our friend, Linda. She likes to call it our “truck garden”. We have gone from our one garden plot to three. Linda has been an expert organic gardener for many years, so I am learning a LOT from her. I am also able to teach her about gardening for maximum nutrition, because she has never added soil supplements to her gardens and that’s something I have been studying for several years now. Even better, we have three strong adults and Jack to help break sod and dig in the supplements and put in the plants. We have been getting quite a lot done! The potatoes are in and the lettuce is already starting to come up. In a couple of weeks, around Mamma and farbror Corey’s birthday, it will finally be warm enough to move the more fragile plants from the house to the garden. It’s warm enough during the day already, but it still goes below freezing many nights and so the plants have to stay indoors for a while longer. Does Makata still keep a garden? Do you help her? Jack is very helpful with our garden. He digs and puts in plants and fetches things we’ve forgotten.

Jack will turn seven in a few days! That must mean that you guys are almost 8 (in September) and almost 6 (in November)! Wow! That’s really exciting! You’re getting so big! Perhaps you will both be taller than I am before I get to visit again! Do you think so? Jack is very proud that he is almost 4 feet tall! (Only one inch to go!) He can’t wait to be taller than his old mamma.

Our family has been reading Redwall by Brian Jacques lately. It’s a fun story about a warrior mouse named Matthias. Now there’s an interesting idea. One doesn’t usually think of mice as warriors. Of course, this is a fantasy world of animals such as mice, badgers, squirrels, ferrets, and rats living without any sign of humans … but the animals live much like humans do. They wear clothes and build castles and cathedrals. Matthias the mouse has to defend his home and his friends against the evil rat, Cluny the Scourge and his terrible hoard who are attacking Redwall Abbey and he has many adventures along the way. Since there are 20 more books in the series, I suppose he will win, but sometimes it’s really hard to see how he will get himself out of the scrapes he finds himself in! Perhaps you can find it in your library? It’s an excellent book! Have you read Wind in the Willows or Watership Down yet? It’s similar to those. If you read it, do tell me what you think!

We have had family portraits made, finally, for the first time! We will send those along as quickly as they arrive.

Everyone here is doing well. Rod went through a very, very hard few weeks in March, but he is now stronger and healthier than I have seen him in many years. It seems that every time he gets sick, it is very bad indeed, but when the sickness passes, he is much healthier than he was before. I like this trend! He should be strong and young before long! I am also having some troubles with avoiding the foods that make me sick – it seems that grains and grasses are hidden everywhere and I really have o eat at home where I can control every ingredient. That’s been frustrating, but I feel so much better when I do that it is coming to seem like less of a burden than it did. Jack is still and always healthy and energetic. There has been a falling out in his playgroup, so he’s sad about that, but I know that as the conflict settles down, and he starts to make more new friends, he will go back to being as happy as always!

I love you all and I look forward to hearing from you!
Love,
Grandma

My beautiful Swedish Grand-babies!

Though they have obviously long since stopped being "babies".

They are all dressed up up to celebrate an Internation soccer championship down at the pub. Isabella is six and Oliver will be four at the end of the week.

I really think you ought to, you know...

Still the Long Distance Grandma

I've written before about the challenges of having your heart walking around (in the form of your children and grandchildren) on another continent.

I continue to read everything I can get my hands on, and the ideas continue to be focused on the Grandmas who live 80 miles from the grandbabies and are fretting because they can't pick them up from school or babysit for them a couple of times a week. I'd love to be able to record stories and then send the file and the book so the children can hear me read it to them...but I can't read Swedish well enough and they don't speak English!

I'd love to send a package of delightful surprises once a week -- but that quickly becomes very expensive! (A fat letter can cost $4 -- can you imagine how much a pair of mugs and some instant cocoa and a book would cost?!?!)

A few of the books do have some good ideas, but mainly it seems to come back to writing letters. If you don't speak the same language as your grandchildren, then a translator is immensely helpful -- maybe critical. Even though I speak a tiny bit of Swedish, as Bella got older, I felt more and more limited by having to stick with topics I knew the words for. My wonderful translator, Johanna, has been helping me since last June and after a year, I am starting to be able to "hear" how my "voice" sounds in Swedish. I can even pick through old letters and adapt phrases to send short notes between my monthly letters, which increases my ability to be "in touch".

But after a year of chatting about the routines of my life, I find myself getting repetitive and I started to wonder what to write about next...I can only hold the children's interest with planting a garden and canning and building snowmen for so long. I can discuss the books Jack and I are reading, but many of those haven't been translated into Swedish and so they are of limited interest. And always writing about books gets dull, dull, dull. I write about some holidays ... especially the ones we celebrate that Swedes don't.

And of course, when I can get an anecdote out of Grandfather or Mamma or Pappa, I comment on that, but it's relatively rare -- certainly, I don't have an anecdote to work with once a month! (If you're a young parent, please don't put your parents, your children's grandparents, in this position. It may seem of limited interest that your child is on a 'pirates' kick or can name all the numbers up to 20 -- but, honestly, it's the stuff of life for a grandma!)

One thing I have carried away from all of those books on grand parenting, though, is the important role a grandparent has in a child's life. We are the keepers of the family history and our traditional role has been to pass that along. Having a strong sense of history and a strong sense of belonging to one's family grounds a young person, gives them confidence, and helps to protect them from the emotional battering that ordinary life can impose. I am not a psychologist, so I can't speak to the long term effects of knowing their family story has on a child. I can say, though, that if you as the grandparent don't tell those stories, who will? Will you allow your family's stories to be lost forever?

I wasn't able to share much of my family's history with my older children. At 30, I really didn't have much idea myself. In the decades since, though, I have been investigating, collecting, and recording those stories I can find. I started this new project of sharing my family history on Mother's day this year by recounting just a bit about *my* grandmothers for my grandchildren. I also made a small "scrapbook" by folding a few sheets of paper and sewing them together by hand with great big stitches. Then I cut out the part of my letter that was about each grandmother and pasted it, alongside a few photos, into the scrapbook, with comments about what they were seeing in the photos. In November, when my babies will celebrate Fathers' day, I will do the same for my grandfathers. Later, I'll do a book for each of my parents. (I know a lot more about them) and eventually, I will tell the tales I have heard about other ancestors, so those stories aren't lost completely. That's a good start -- but it's only few letters and we'll have covered what I know.

So, I kept looking.

That's when I remembered The Remembering Site! The Remembering Site is a non-profit initiative that lets anyone create an online autobiography by answering a series of questions. It costs $25 for a lifetime membership, and when you're done, you can e-mail your story, print it out at home, or you have have it printed and bound for a reasonable fee.

I started recording my memories there years ago to "someday" have printed as book for my children and grandchildren, but it occurred to me that the memories don't have to be in the form of book! The site consists of thousands of questions that you can use as a springboard in telling your story, and those questions can be used just as easily as a springboard for letters! (I can even paste the contents of the letters into my biography and get the two goals met at once!)

Of course, the rest of the letter can be more chatty and less important and when there is something more immediate to write about, I'll write about that -- but those memories will make the letters worth saving! As the kids get older, the letters will mean even more to them.

I am feeling a lot happier about my ability to forge a real relationship with my children's children... I still wish we could communicate more directly, but I am also working on that. Jack and I are studying Swedish using Rosetta Stone. So far I can talk about being under an airplane or over a horse...but eventually I hope to be able to use it to actually have a conversation. ;)

The Art of the Long Distance Grandma

The holidays are fast approaching and, being away from home, I have more time and fewer distractions from the realization that, yet again, I will spend the holidays without my older children, TJ and Corey (now 27 and 25). And now I will also spend them without TJ's children, Bella and Leo.

TJ

When TJ and Corey were growing up, I hated the holidays. I had never been particularly fond of them anyway, and so since Christmas is a BIG deal in my ex-husband's family, when we split up, it seemed like 'easy points' to send the kids with him to spend the holidays.

Corey and Bella

But it wasn't easy. Year after year, just as the intense focus on 'being together and celebrating family' would start, I would start packing the kids up to leave me again. It wasn't long before rather than "not particularly fond" of the holidays, I came to hate them with a passion.

Once I met Rod, I started to feel a little more warmly toward the season. First I started to notice the real beauty of the Victorian holiday decor that was so much in vogue just then. Eventually, I even started feeling less antipathy at the music and traditions, and I even started to be attracted to some of them.

Leo

When Jack was born, I actually found myself getting excited about creating new Yule traditions for ourselves as a family. But always there has been a sadness even so because I never got to share these things with TJ and Corey and now I also can't be there to make the house smell warm and yummy with baking cinnamon buns and cookies and hot chocolate for my grandchildren.

Family has always been important to me, but this year, the focus is sharper than it';s been for a while, because I am away from Rod and Jack and I can't busy myself in activities with them or for them when I start to feel wistful.

Instead, as I make Yule card after Yule card, I am thinking about the art of the long distance Grandma.

When your grandchildren live nearby and you can see them frequently, your relationship can grow organically out of who you are and who they are.

When your children and grandchildren live 8,000 miles away, and visits are 'every two years, assuming nothing goes wrong', if you want to be more than a name on a genealogy chart, you're going to have to put some conscious effort into creating a relationship.

When the children don'tshare your mother tongue and are not yet multi-lingual, it is even more challenging, because so much of relationship is based on language and the advise for long distance grandparents in books and on the web assumes at least a common language, if not somewhat regular access.

Wanja

I think that the key to creating a relationship is make yourself present in the lives of your children and grandchildren on a pretty frequent basis. You have to "be there" a lot, even when you can't be there physically.

There is little you can do when they're very young, but as your grandbabies reach the toddlerhood, you can make sure that your kids have a photo (or two or three) of you. Ideally, you can put one in a baby-proof frame to be placed on a low shelf or table and give the baby a chew and drool-proof "baby's photo album" with photos of every member of the family -- including, of course, yourself.

As soon as they are old enough to understand what a letter is and not chew it up, usually sometime between age 2 and age 3, you can start to send them letters. At this point, the language and the contents matter less than the letter arriving with some frequency. Picture cards with appealing art and a one or two sentence note for Mamma and Pappa to read to them is ideal. (Even better, a photo of you or your home or a pet fastened to the front of a blank craft card, for the perfect "personal" stationery!)

It's important to keep the lines of communication open with your kids so you can hear about it when the children start to develop interests that you can refer to in your letters.

As the children approach three and a half or four, you can start sharing 'real' letters with them. A typed letter of 1,000 words or so will fit on one sheet of paper. Add a few photos, and send them once a month and you are well on your way to creating a relationship with these youngsters that you love from afar.

At this point, if you and your grandchildren don't share a primary language, make sure the letters are at least partly in their own first language, even if you have to hire a translator. It's important that you start to develop your own unique voice with your grand-kids. If they are struggling to understand you, or if your kids are doing the translating, a lot of your voice may be lost.

I was very, very fortunate in my search to hire a translator to come across a very lovely young professional at the local University who was willing to translate my letters for free in the interest of helping a Grandma develop a relationship with her far away grandchildren. But I don't want to create a false sense of my fluency in my grand-kids, so while I send one letter a month through the translator, I also do my best to write in their language in shorter notes and I occasionally send them letters in English as well.

I do send gifts sometimes. It can be tempting to buy lots of toys and gifts for the grand-kids, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. We want to be people that our grandchildren love, we don't want to become their own personal Santa Claus. The occasional small gift based on their own interests or on things that are important to the family are ideal and I don't think a large gift twice a year at birthdays and another gift-giving occasion is a problem -- but if they see you primarily as the source of loot, they are less likely to look past that and see who you are as a person, so keep the focus on your relationship and not on stuff. I send inexpensive colouring books or stickers, sometimes clothes, occasionally toys that I think will last and hold their interest for a long time, and most often, I send them hand made cards that I have created myself. Since I am a paper crafter, it serves as a way of sharing some of my own interests with them.

The most "important" gift I give them, though, is that I scrapbook every photo of them that I can get my hands on and once a year or so, I send those books to them. They are pleased to have books about themselves now -- but this is also a message to their adults selves. Some day, I dream, they will be flipping through the by then familiar and worn books and it will dawn on them that I must have spent hours thinking about them and looking at photos of them, trying to understand what was happening in their lives as I created those books. Maybe it will happen -- maybe it won't. But that's my dream. And should the books survive to passed along to their children, my presence will continue to be felt in a family far from me in time and space -- but a family that I had some small part in creating. Look for ways you can find a way to make your grandchild a part of your own hobby.

Phone calls, while they do happen, are not particularly satisfying for anyone. I understand little of what they're saying, and they understand little of what I say. (That isn't to say I would trade the phone calls for anything -- with practice will come understanding and nothing can replace the music of their sweet chirpings! But if I were counting on phone calls, we would have a strained and uncomfortable relationship.) Fortunately, the job of a Grandma is mostly to listen, so I listen and make encouraging noises and I respond more specifically if I catch a phrase I understand.

I think, I hope, that my regular letters arriving, telling them what I would share with them if I were there -- about my life, about the lives of their Pappa and their uncle (who lives nearby) when they were young boys, and about what I think is important, will help them to know me and to care enough about me to make the effort to develop the relationship from their side, too. Already they have started to send me their art and letters they have painstakingly hand written.

Recently, my daughter-in-law and I have started to compare notes about the books we are taking out of the library to read with our children. Knowing that "Bella and Leo just read this and they liked it a lot" seems to mean a lot to Jack and it helps me to feel closer to Wanja, TJ, Bella and Leo to know that we are haring the same stories. I hope it works the other way too.

So far it seems to be working. The stories I hear from TJ and Wanja and very encouraging, but I am always on the lookout for new ways to deepen the bond between myself and my grandchildren -- especially since visits are infrequent and the language barrier is large. If you have any ideas for me, please feel free to share in comments or by e-mail.

Family is important. It may be easier to maintain familial bonds from across town, but grandchildren need us, even from across the planet. Even with step-grandmas and borrowed grandpas, no one can replace you in the lives and hearts of your childrens children -- and they are worth the bit of effort it takes to create a relationship with them across the miles.