Blast from the past: On Continuum Parenting

As Jack Grows: March 6, 2007

I have mentioned our use of the Continuum parenting style often here, but in conversations with people about it, I keep getting the impression that some people think that I mean that I "let Jack help" – that is, I make busy work for him nearby while I get on with serious business.

Not at all. We are careful to size jobs to Jack's current abilities, but what he is doing is real participation.

Jack can wash dishes, though we're careful to keep the knives and glasses aside. He can load and unload the dishwasher, he can put the clean laundry into a basket for folding, he can set the table, assist in tidying a room, vacuum the rug, and he can read recipes, get ingredients out, wash and chop vegetables, stir pots, mix batters (until they get too thick) or pots and just generally act as a junior chef when we cook.

That's the point to the continuum.Children need to be contributing members of their families to grow up an abiding sense of their own competence and their place in the world. Busy work that doesn't actually help much doesn't enhance a child's sense of competence – kids are smart; they know when they're being condescended to and it gives them the impression that (we think) they're not very talented.

Jack didn't start out with full-blown chores, of course. Kids are naturally interested in what adults are doing and when he showed an interest, I gave him a subset of what I was doing that he was capable of doing on his own. At first, he took clothes from me and tossed them (more or less) into the dryer or he poured the ingredients I'd measured (more or less) into bowls.
In the beginning he rarely lasted the durations of the project, he did a little and then he ran off to play. That was fine – at that stage, it was more work for him to help since it meant that some of the clothes didn't make it into the dryer and some of the flour inevitabley ended up on the countertops. But as he got older, and his part of the chores got more involved, he also developed the attention span to stick with it.

These days, he actually is a big help.

As Jack Grows January 31 2007

Rod is a natural at Continuum parenting.

I know I’ve mentioned Jean Liedloff's work before and our interest in the parenting style that it spawned.

For me, it was a natural extension of my instinctive parenting style. Up to a point.

It works beautifully with cooking, with house keeping, and with any number of other active, more or less traditional activities. I was, however, perplexed about how to bring it into other, more cerebral pursuits.

Not Rod.

I am hoping to get my brilliant husband to hold forth here about how he has done it, because I see the results more than the process. I know he has used continuum theory (or what he gathered of continuum theory from my nattering) to help Jack to discover arithmetic, using Cuisenaire Rods, a deck of playing cards, a set of dominoes, and a counting board.

It’s amazing to me! They together at the able, noodling with one or another “toy”, and Jack is discovering arithmetic for himself! Not sure how he does that, but I am impressed. Jack is lucky that Rod is at home with him, doing the teaching. Rod is obviously a"natural".

He has also used it to help Jack to get to the point that he can sit at the other end of the table while Rod does a reading and can (more or less) entertain himself. That’s one I really want to learn!

August 22, 2007

The relaxing game

My eldest takes after me, and I take after my mother. We can sleep anywhere and it takes something major yo keep us awake after bedtime.

Not so my middle son. For some reason, he often had trouble falling asleep when he was little. When he was about two, we invented a soothing method we called "the relaxing game" and it worked for him for years.

Jack doesn't often have trouble falling asleep, but occasionally, he does and so the relaxing game was revived.

I suspect most mothers come up with it, but just in case someone could use it and hadn't thought of it yet, I thought I'd mention it here.

Here's how it works:

Have the child lie on his or her back in bed with the lights out.

Starting with the toes, work your way up the body alternately squeezing and stretching bits of the body, every so often involving everything that's been worked so far. Intersperse deep, slow breathes in and then out.

Like this:

OK, you're on your back. Wriggle all over. Now relax. Take a deeeep breath in. Now out, very slowly.

OK, wiggle your toes. Just your toes. Are they wiggled? Good. Now squeeze your toes tight, tight, tight. Squeeeezee. OK, relax. Now, stretch your toes as wide apart as you can. Stretch, stretch, stretch. OK, relax. wiggle your toes again.

OK, now wiggle your feet. Now squeeze your feet tight. Point your toes down and squeeze, sqeeze, squeeze them. Good! Now relax. Now pull your toes back as far as you can. Stretc those feet! Stretch, stretch, stretch. OK, relax. wiggle your feet again.

Now relax. Take a deeeep breath in. Now out, very slowly.

It's easy and I think part of the sucess is that it is physically relaxing -- but the other half is that it's sooo repetitious, but since you have to respond physically, it interupts those relentless thoughts that keep a youngster awake.

Only VERY rarely have we had to repeat from the toes. Uusually, my boys rolled over and feel asleep easily after once over -- even though stretching and squeezing their face at the end always causes gales of giggles.

Talking to pagan kids about death...

I think that death, like sex and political corruption, is one of those things parents can't wait to have come up in conversation with their small children.

Um...ok, maybe not.

I officiate at funerals pretty regularly, if not frequently, and we attend those as a family, so Jack is pretty familiar with the whole 'death' concept.

But this last year and a half has been one of rather more intense focus on death. Over the course of 12 months, we said goodbye to 21 or 22 people. (After a while, I stopped counting.)

The year of deaths gave us many opportunities to think about and talk about death, with each other and with Jack.

It all started around the 18th of December 2007 and I had hoped that the curtain have been lowered on the epoch with the births of grandchildren to two close friends a few months ago.

And then on Saturday, as we returned home to water the garden on our way between Solstice adventures, we found a bunny flopping around in the back yard. It clearly had a broken leg and there was blood on its fur. While I watered the garden, Jack watched it and murmured encouragement, and then offered it lettuce from our garden and some water in a cup.

We discussed how Hazel had had a similar injury, in Watership Down, and we decided to name out little friend hazel so maybe some of that healing luck would be spread to him. But we can't afford a vet bill right now, so all we could do was wish the poor little thing luck. We did agree that if it managed to survive until next day, we would see whether the Rabbit Rescue can help with a wild bunny. (They mostly rescue tame rabbits from what I understand.)

By the time we got back at 9pm, though, there was no sign at all of our little Hazel. Jack and I decided to believe that he had made it back to his warren, and that he was now resting safely and healing, but we know and discussed that he is even more vulnerable to predators while he can't run away and that he could die from his injury.

Hazel turned out to be a herald, though. Early Sunday morning, we learned that Rod's older brother is within days of ending his fight with the cancer that has ravaged his body. And so the topic of death comes back. Far from being afraid, our little pagan boy is accepts death as a part of the cycle in a way that will be harder to do for most of us adults.

He spent much of yesterday singing dirges about his own death and his next life, and proclaiming that he's pretty sure that Uncle Carl has more time before he leaves. He told me at dinner, if Dad seems kinda quiet, it's because his brother is dying and he's sad.

Death. Yup. BIG topic of conversation lately.

So, how do you talk to a kid, a pagan kid, about death? First of all, it will come up sooner or later. No need to rush things. It might be an animal by the side of the road. It might be a book they read. It might, knock wood, be something far closer to home. But the questions start.

What does 'dead' mean?, Are you going to die? When? When will he come back? Does it hurt to die? Will I die?

Next, be careful to answer the questions the child is asking. Understand that as emotionally loaded as these questions are for us, to children, they are no different than other questions they ask to try to understand their world and depending on their age, the questions may be more mechanical and less existential than you might be expecting. Answer the question at hand, and don't overwhelm him or her with a lot of heavy emotional and intellectual stuff. When they're ready for that, they will ask.

It's important not to put your children off when they ask these hard questions. The best you can do is answer patiently, gently, and consistently, as many times as the child asks. (If their timing really sucks, explain that this is not a good time for that discussion, but be sure to get back to them within a short time with an opening to ask again.)

Once the questions start, there is no perfect answer.

The physical facts of death are pretty straightforward. Death is final. We all die eventually. Whether it hurts depends on how we die. Generally, we don't know exactly when our turn to die will come.

The harder questions, "why do we die? What happens to us after we die? Why does everyone cry when people die" The answers to those will depend a lot on what you believe about death. Whatever you say, how you feel about death, your fear or comfort, is going to be communicated to your child much more strongly than anything in your words. The best thing to do is to decide ahead of time what you think about death. If you can't deal with that (and many people can't go there) then decide what you want your child to believe.

You should probably base your answers on your spiritual path. Death is a very emotional topic, and if you try to wing it in the moment, your answers can be pretty confused and confusing and children ask again and again to see whether they understood. If your answer keeps changing, it doesn't help.

Our beliefs include reincarnation, and that has made it easier to answer Jack's questions.

What does "dead" mean? Dead means that our bodies have stopped having our soul living inside. Our bodies are like clothes for our soul, and when our soul is done with this body, it "takes it off", leaving the meat part of us behind. But the body can't keep going without a soul, just like your jeans can't run without you in them.

Why do we die? Sometimes bodies get very old and worn out or very sick, and it becomes impossible for them to keep going. Other times, we have finished what we came here to learn in this life, and our souls arrange for an accident. But it's not our personality's decision, and it's no one's fault. Our soul decided a long time before we were born what it wanted to learn from this life, and once it's done, it wants to move on to the next life and the next lesson. (This doesn't account for murder but we hope that one doesn't need to come up in our lives.)

Does is hurt to die? No, death doesn't hurt, although the accident or illness that comes before death often hurts a lot. Pain is part of having a meat body. Dying feels wonderful, because our soul gets to go through the light tunnel to the Summerland, which is a place full of love and light where sadness doesn't happen and nothing hurts anymore.

Are you going to die? Often this is a bid for reassurance. We answer it by saying that yes, we are going to die someday, but we hope it's a LONG time from now, after Jack has grown up and has a partner and children to love him. We also assure him that, should we die sooner than we hope, we have arranged for Auntie Celeste and Auntie Dame to be his "spare mammas". They will take care of him, and teach him, and love him. We also assure him that we will be watching and loving him from the Summerland until he's grown. Then, perhaps we can come back as *his* children, and then it will be his turn to teach us.

When will Uncle Al come back? Well...he won't. Not in Uncle Al's body, anyway. That body got all used up, even though he seemed to be fine. We don't know when his soul will come back, or where. Or even if he wants to come back. Some souls decide that they have learned what they wanted to know about living in a meat body, and they decide to stay in the Summerland.

Why do people cry at funerals? Well, we know that the soul we loved is going to the Summerland, where they will be very happy. But we are still going to miss them a lot. So we are crying for our sadness at losing the hugs and smiles and jokes of someone we love.

What is heaven? Heaven is the Christian version of the Summerland. It is where Christians go to be with their God forever. It's beautiful and no one is ever sad there and no one ever hurts there. Just like the Summerland. The big difference is that Christians who go there to be with their God, aren't going to come back to live again in a new body.

Where will I go? That is your soul's decision. As a pagan child, I think you will probably go to the Summerland, but if you decide to be Christian and spent the rest of forever with the Christian God, you could decide to go to Heaven.

Your answers will be different, because they will be based on your own beliefs, but I hope this has helped you to figure out how to approach the questions.

Punished by rewards? Why bribes fail in the long run.

From the Hall Full Blog:

Social scientists have studied motivation in kids a lot. There are two types: researchers call self-motivation “intrinsic” drive—the desire to do something purely because of the pleasure we derive from the activity itself. On the other hand, we also do things for “extrinsic” reasons—not for the process or the activity, but for the outcome or reward. Kids often do their homework for the grade or the approval of their teacher, for example, rather than for the fun of learning something new.

Intrinsic motivation makes for greater happiness and success, particularly when it comes to academic life. Self-motivated kids achieve more, perceive themselves to be more competent, and are less anxious. Extrinsically motivated kids are more prone to depression. While intrinsic motivation is a particular form of joy, extrinsic motivation can lead to a particular form of unhappiness fueled by fear of failure or disappointment. Sadly, because girls tend to be more attuned to their external appearance and environment, research shows they tend to be more extrinsically motivated and thus are more likely to be depressed.

But she doesn't just leave us hanging...in her very next post, Christine offers us the ERN method for helping kids develop self-discipline, and get those less than enchanting chores done without a lot of drama.

Her conclusion:

Rewards work in the short-term because they provide us with a nice feel-good Dopamine hit. But unfortunately, rewards tend to have a negative effect on kids’ motivation over the long-term. The answer is to motivate kids to do those not-so-fun things that are necessary in life with the particular kind of encouragement described above. That way, their brains deliver those feel-good chemicals in response to their feelings of mastery and autonomy (intrinsic motivation) rather than in response to receiving a material reward (extrinsic motivation)

So, what do you have against Disney?"

"What do you have against Disney?"

A couple of years ago, we published a blog post about how we are exposing Jack to 'popular culture' by going back to the original sources Disney used in creating his most popular movies. We read the books -- some of which are great literature, and some of which aren't, then we get the most "true to the book" movie (not the Disney version) we can find, and we watch that.

Why go to all the trouble? Why not watch the Disney films, like his friends are doing? The short answer is "Because we don't want Jack's world 'Disney-fied'".

That attitude seems to confuse people sometimes -- after all, Disney is all about what's right with America, right? It's hot dogs and apple pie and white picket fences. It's diversity, and family values, and tradition. Isn't it?

Well, it certainly is sold that way, I grant you that. But I think there is both a lot more, and a lot less, than that going on with the Disney thing.

My objections are manifold, and it's hard to prioritize them. The short answer to what we have against Disney is "nothing". Disney is a corporation, like any other. It is well within it rights to make money hand-over-fist from anyone who wants to contribute to the corporate coffers, within the laws of the countries within which it operates. Just like Wal-Mart. We are also within our rights to decide which corporations we want to support.

We don't support Walmart either.

Why not? Well, let's stick with Disney.

My first and largest objection is that Disney butchers and eviscerates some of the finest children's literature in the English language. You probably know Disney's Winnie the Pooh. Have you read Milne's Winnie-the-Pooh? You no doubt love Disney's Peter Pan; are you familiar with Barrie's? All the little girls love Disney's Little Mermaid -- but perhaps the message of Andersen's would be healthier for them. And, believe it or not, before Disney got their hands on him, Bambi was well beloved from A Life in the Woods.

When I was a child a half century ago, many people had read the original stories and almost everyone knew they existed, so the Disney movies were "a cute new take" on a familiar story. Increasingly, though, I find that people aren't even aware that there was an original of most of the Disney stories or that the Disney version isn't the same story at all.

On an individual basis, it is a matter of personal preference whether you like the Disney version or the original better, but as a culture I think we lose a lot when we dismiss the depth and breadth of our cultures stories and replace them with the sanitized, ultra-simplified versions in which the details are changed to make the story less challenging. (But ...can it truly be "personal preference" if you weren't aware that there was another choice?)

Somewhere in Disney's history, it went from FINDING literature that fit its magical formula, to FORCING all literature to fit into its now very successful formula. The result is that the great narratives and stories of our lives are stripped of everything that does not fit the Disney formula, and the remaining characters are altered to fit. That is so sad, and so limiting.

But Disney doesn't just gobble up literary characters for its movies. It also pushes out a thousand products to sell those characters. Disney is, by no means the only culprit but certainly they are masters at it.

That leads to my second objection, Disney does nothing without merchandising it. The dangers of the commodification of our kids is a big enough topic for the dozens of books that have already been written, so I won't try to cover all of it here, but calling a fondness for the Disney version over the original character from literature a "personal preference" is pretty disingenuous when Disney buys the copyright to the name of literary character after literary character and makes their own version ubiquitous, while the original becomes legally pretty much unavailable, usurping our choice.

Love Winnie-the-Pooh? Want to use the images in your child's nursery? Good luck finding E. H. Shepard's illustrations brought to life. The only thing available is Disney's version -- and that's the only version that will be available, because Disney's legal ownership of the copyright on the name ensures it. What's more, when a child is old enough to read Milne's classic, and sees the E. H. Shepard's illustrations, he or she is likely to react to the illustrations as "wrong". After all, Pooh bear looks like Disney -- they know that because they've seen it a million times, in Disney's book, on TV, on sheets, on pre-school walls, on t-shirts, and on sippy cups!

The Disney Princesses are not just cute movie characters, they have become an obsession -- little girls can (and do!) build their entire worlds (and sadly, their self images) around these characters, from the movies to the merchandising books, the dolls, the dress-up clothes, the backpacks, the wall paper, the table place settings, the stationery, the birthday cards ... ad nauseum. (And lest we forget the little boys, have you tried to buy a gift for a little boy that *didn't* have a licensed character plastered all over it? Not an easy task in most stores.) Once your home, yard, and car are completely given over to Disney, your vacations can now we spent even more deeply immersed -- whether you want a stay at an amusement park or take a cruise on a Disney themed ship, or simply stay home and cruise Disney.com or Club Penguin.

Humans are inclined to identify ourselves with something larger than ourselves. First it was the tribe or family, then it was nation or religion. More recently, we have convinced ourselves to identify ourselves with the the brands we prefer, including Disney. If you truly want your identity to be "in support" of a corporation that exists to get more money from you, that is certainly your choice. I want a different identity for myself and I hope for Jack to find his identity elsewhere, too.

And, then there is the fact that we simply don't like the world that Disney has created.

In Disney's world, there is a clear line between the good guys and the bad guys. Always. There are rarely any grey areas or mitigating circumstances. Good guys always do good and bad guys do bad things because they are bad guys. Good guys may be tempted by bad decisions, but they rarely succumb to them. In Disney's world, there is an evil that opposes and threatens to devour every good, and the triumph of that good over the dark and ominous evil is Disney's signature story line.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with that story line, beyond its very shallow and binary nature. As one narrative among many, it pretty harmless and there is a place for every taste. If Disney had stopped at one, I would not be writing this piece, but it doesn't. Disney makes EVERY storyline fit that one exclusive binary narrative and there is so much wrong with that way of thinking as an approach to life! This is the world-view has given us a world in which we have red states and blue states and politics has become a zero sum game. We are no longer able to see each other as patriots with a different point of view. We can't work together to find better solutions that make our country more comfortable for all of us, because anyone who doesn't believe exactly what we do must be a "bad guy".

(A particularly insightful three year old (as reported by his mother on a homeschooling list discuss) explained his terror at watching a Disney film this way:

"The bad guys are SO bad, and so so so SMART, and the good guys only have luck, because they're stupid... how could the good guys win?" and another time "I must be a bad guy, because the good guys always do the right thing, even when they do the wrong thing it ends up being the right thing, and i DON'T WANT TO BE EVIL AND BAD. I don't want to have to be killed or locked away forever by someone who hates me!! i don't want to be hated for just being me."

I had missed that part, but he's right. In Disney's Universe, smart is a bad thing. Yuck.

It has given us a world in which you are on the inside or on the outside. Where there is one right way to be. Women must be beautiful and sweet -- and that always means thin, athletic, and talented. Women and girls who are not "up to the standard -- ugly or fat or opinionated, for instance -- are ‘bad guys’. Men must be muscular, handsome, and brave. Men who are otherwise must be villains or they are patsies who enable the bad guys to do evil. Occasionally men and boys who look "ordinary" will turn out to be secretly brave and much stronger than they knew -- and my gosh, look how handsome they are when the truth is revealed!

Again, if it stopped at one, it wouldn't matter, but it is EVERY Disney piece that espouses the same virtues and the same evils. It is virtuous to be attractive, well-built and beautiful. Frumpy, dowdy, and ugly are evil. The dowdy hero who "makes good" suddenly morphs, thanks to the magic of the screen, into something more acceptable... which leads us to social acceptability, the ultimate Disney virtue.

Good, bad, ugly, or beautiful, if people don't like you, you're in trouble in Disney's World... and the tension, fear, evil, and nastiness builds to breaking point until the hero finds some way, some virtue, some miracle, by which he or she can find the most highly prized virtue of all, ACCEPABILITY!! Once you are acceptable, all other flaws of character and persona are entirely forgiven. Redemption by popular opinion.

The saddest reflection of all, something which I constantly encounter, is that people tend to feel immediately inferior when someone casts a disapproving glance at them... one has to wonder if Disney is reflecting reality, or if, by market saturation, Disney is creating reality for a larger number of people with each subsequent generation.

Then, there is the use of fear and emotion as a cudgel, to build up the tension to an almost unbearable degree, only to offer an easy resolution in the form of one or another of Disney's pet resolutions -- acceptance, conformity, or the like. It serves to entrench a bunch of stereotypes that severely limit the perceptions of its most innocent and impressionable viewers.

Is there something innately bad about such a limited world? Must every film be 'politically correct"? No, of course not. There is a place for every taste. Those messages are incidental, anyway. The only message intentionally and consistently sold through Disney marketing is that kids and families *need* Disney for a happy childhood and family life.

The embedded and incidental messages are based on assumptions in our culture that I find offensive and they won't change until our culture changes. However the Disney machine also reinforce those ugly and limiting assumptions and they are becoming the overwhelming majority of the messages fed to our children through movies and marketing as entertainment companies rush to imitate the acknowledged leader in kids entertainment.

Disney, for its part, has found a formula that works. Lots of people like the formula, and lots of people can relate to it, which means that they have greater success in marketing their productions. This is great news for Disney, because it increases their market share and their sales. Do I, as some people assume, think that Disney is "doing something wrong"? Do I think they should be stopped? Oh no. They are a business, doing what businesses do best - making money. That they contain a lot of really yucky (to me) messages is just one factor among many. Disney is fine. They have every right to be the empire they are and to entertain the people who love them. Just as I have every right to decide I don't plan to drink that particular kool-aid.

But when something is sold so enthusiastically and persistently to impressionable young people, I think it's reasonable to assume that questions are warranted. I think it's only responsible for parents to ask themselves what overall message are their children getting from these 'indoctrinations as amusements' and to ask themselves whether it's the message they want their children to be exposed to on a continual basis.

Our family has asked ourselves those questions, and our answer is "No, thank you. That's not how we want to see the world".

Time well spent - purges and educating a young man

This week on furlough has been a perfect opportunity for the New Year Purge. I am not done yet, though I have finished the downstairs (except for the office, which is Rod's domain) and found four boxes of stuff to donate.

St Vincent de Paul was happy to take our kitchen stuff, leaving the excess from the magickal cabinet and the homeschooling cabinet to find homes for.

Next job -- the upstairs. That doesn't get as much attention as the downstairs, so I may generate a lot more boxes up there. Especially in my poor craft room which has slowly become the "home of the unclaimed. (I think every home probably has one. Its the place where you put whatever you don't want to deal with right now until that mythical "later". )

We have also made progress on the time line. It has been sitting, folded up, on top of the china cabinet for months as we tried to figure out how to best hang it. We want it to be secure -- but also easy to pull down in sections so that we can easily add new items to it.

We settled on attaching it to foam board and then punching holes in the board to hook over nails. So far so good. (Except that we ran out of foam board and had to run out and get more.)

Jack and I have already started making our tokens to add and I was surprised at how perfectly they work. Of course, I also realized that we have been bopping all over history in our explorations...we have some paleolithic characters to add from our reading -- but we have also explored Ben Franklin, Louise Braille, Pythagoras, and Beethoven. (Poor Beethoven is folded in half at the moment. )

I liked the idea of the time line -- but now that we're actually using it a bit, I like the idea even better, because it's making the timing of events much easier to put into perspective. As we study different places, I suspect that it will be even more helpful to see that "while Europe was doing this, China was doing that".

Jack continues to be Jack. He discovered Mah Jong yesterday and has a new love. (I doubt it can unseat chess, but he's absolutely enthralled for the moment. Then, at bedtime, he decided to read a chapter book to me before I read his chapter book to him. He chose The Adventures Of Ulysses. I didn't really expect him to get far, but he read two chapters aloud. He stumbled on some unfamiliar words, and I have discovered that he he uses his phonics, finally -- but not on complex, multi syllable words. On those, he mumbles. *laugh* I asked him not to mumble but to stop and show me the word so I can tell him how to say it, since it's hard for me to understand the story when he mumbles. He stopped reading then, so I'm not sure if that's going to backfire or not...

He's become such a complex person, has my Jacky. I have been trying to introduce art to his list of explorations and he has been resisting me. It perplexed me. He loves matching the art cards...he enjoys colouring with me, but mostly he resisted new adventures. That is so unlike Jack.

My "technique" of trying to introduce art has changed from inviting him to play -- to which the answer is usually "no thank you" -- to just sitting down in the parlour with the materials. Then he sometimes joins me.

One day, I had started to play with block crayons at the table. Jack Joined me, but after a few minutes, he started to look angry and said accusingly, "You're too good for me".

Woah.

I was mystified...I was noodling away on my own paper as he worked on his, and from my perspective this came out of the blue. Lucky for me, Rod was nearby and observed the exchange. He told me that he thought Jack wanted me to show him how I was getting the effects I was getting. (I had been carefully avoiding pressing him to try for any specific outcomes since I had managed to turn my older kids off the whole idea by being to focused.) I said I didn't know that, because Jack hadn't asked, but when I asked him, jack said that "yes", he did want me to show him. So I did. As I was showing him, I remembered a couple of other times when he had announced "I can't do that" and had walked away from a project. I wonder whether he had been waiting for me to show him how then too ...

Miss Debra, our artist friend, was over for dinner last night. She graciously talked to me a bit about teaching art to young children -- and then she initiated a game with Jack that seemed to turn his whole perspective around. He pulled out his Magna Doodle and was showing Miss Debra how he likes to make dots and then connect them. (A pen control and writing exercise he and Dad do.)

Debra joined in -- he made a shape and then she turned the shape into something. This went on for an hour, with her gradually shifting the creating to Jack. By the end, Jack was creating recognizable characters...something he had never done before.

She also brought some of her in progress art to show us...and it was very cool to see what she is doing with one theme. She also talked about a few things that hadn't come out quite like she had hoped and how she planned to try this or that to turn them into something else.


I learned *so* much last night! I know nothing about art technique other than what I have taught myself in the craft room in the last couple of years. I certainly know nothing about teaching art. But Debra turned Jack around from "I can't" to "look what I can do!" in an hour. I was amazed. Especially because I remember the "I can't". That was me until not too long ago. I love preRaphaelite painting and I was always so unhappy with my own results because not only couldn't I manage anything that beautiful -- I could never manage anything even cartoonishly recognizable. Jack and I learned last night that maybe we had both been approaching it backwards. Maybe the idea is to start -- and see what it looks like, and then work with that.

Now I just have to find a way not to kill the new spark I saw in Jack last night!

Yikes! We have our pagan homeschoolers nature walk in less than an hour -- I'd better go wake the family!

My crazy baby boy...

...has decided that rather than any of the 20 books in our bedtime stack,
he wants to read a book he found on Dad's nightstand, instead.

He tells me he's very excited to read this adults' book!

"It's about a child."

He knows this because he started it on his own when he found it, but he has too many questions to read it alone.

The book? Yon Ill Wind, by Piers Anthony.

Anthony doesn't shy away from much, so last night's editing on the fly was...interesting.

The crazy little boy listened with rapt attention, with many pauses for questions and definitions, to an entire chapter. That's about twice or three times as long as the average book aimed at children.

We may actually finish it -- though at three hundred pages, that will take three times as long as his usual books - - and as I say, Anthony isn't writing for five year olds. It could get too intense for a sensitive little boy at some point.

I wonder whether I could convince him to switch to A Spell for Chameleon ... that was is a lot sillier and I think the plot would be a lot easier for him to comprehend.

(But..but...we haven't finished our Little House on the Prairie books yet!)

The Book Exchange

I'm sure we've mentioned the clothing exchange that Jack belonged to for his first four years.

From a couple of weeks before Jack was born, we gathered twice a year to swap clothes with a large group people, most of whom are friends from the local science fiction community. We passed along anything Jack had outgrown and picked up clothes in his new size. There were always far more than one child needs -- even when we were sharing the cache with another little boy!

It is an excellent idea with many advantages, and we really enjoyed our time with the exchange, but the time ha come to return any clothes we weren't using and drop out of the exchange. The main reason was that we are starting to prepare ourselves for our emigration, and that means jettisoning anything we can live without.

But that exchange was such a terrific idea that a couple of years ago, we joined a children's book exchange.

This one works a little differently.

Every few months, a tub (or two, or three) of children's books shows up on our doorstep.

We dig through the books, Jack chooses a few, and we put in a few books that we don't need anymore.

Then we call the next person on the list and get directions, drop off the tub, and we're done.

The tubs have multiplied over the two years until now there is one reserved for board books for babies and another dedicated to parenting books and chapter books for older children.

We have found some truly marvelous books in there! Jack knows that he may choose a few books, but that twaddle has to go back out next time the the tub comes. I have found some really interesting books for our "school" library. It also means that we're not drowning in books that Jack had to have at the library sale -- and never read a second time. It also means that really wonderful books that Jack has outgrown don't sit around unused - -they can move along to a new home and give another child great joy!

The tub recently arrived at our house and we have our work cut out for us this time!

Learning about time ...

When he was about five years old, TJ, my eldest son, wondered whether I remembered dinosaurs and saber tooth tigers. I was a baby myself at the time - - not yet 30 -- and I was half appalled and half amused.

Then I remembered asking my mother (we were probably around the same ages) whether she remembered settling the old west. Hmm.

Jack is far too sophisticated to make the mistake his brother did. He knows full well that dinosaurs were around long before people existed. He has learned a lot about the evolution of people from Australopithecus Africanus through Homo Sapiens, and he has learned about the diaspora of Homo Sapiens out of Africa and over the planet, encountering our older cousins the Neanderthals when we reached Europe.

But his mind is whirling as he tries to put it all in perspective. It came out last night.

"Mamma, was your father a hunter?"

"Well, sort of; my father hunted once a year for fun".

"Was your grandfather a hunter?"

"No, both of my grandfathers were farmers. Why?"

"I'm thinking about homo sapiens hunters"

"Ahh, I see. Are you asking me when humans were hunter gatherers? Trying to understand time and learn what happened when?"

Big grin "Yes!"

"Ahh, well, my grandfathers were born during a time we call the Industrial Revolution. That was many years after we started the "Agricultural Age" when we started farming. Before that, people were hunter-gatherers. A loooong time ago. (gesturing with my hands.)"

"When we get back, we'll put up the timeline and start putting up pictures for everything we know, OK? We'll put pre-dinosaurs over near the basement door, and Jack right on the edge of the timeline over near the china cabinet, and then we'll put in different things as we learn about them -- OK? Sound good?"

Beaming "Yeah!"

And then we were on to watching Jack squeeze the juice out a green bean and a discussion of table manners.

Now, does anyone know of a good Ancient Greek language curriculum for tiny tots, similar to Minimus for Latin?

Teaching kids to be happy!

In my wanderings through the blogosphere, I often click "open in a new window" when i come across a link that looks interesting.

As I was closing down my computer a few days ago, I found this page open -- and I was delighted to fins that it contains concise scientific explanations for and research backing, some of the things that Rod and i have learned through hard-won experience, intuition, and observation.

Although I am not a big fan of video-blogging, (Mark says I am almost Amish in my approach to technology...maybe, but I also find words easier to focus on when I can see them. My ears don't work so good!) I am most impressed with the videos down the right side of the page. I though "Focus on Effort" and "Teaching Gratitude" were especially insightful, though I found them all worthwhile.

It's so nice to have science back me up once in a while! *grin*

Building a library for a young pagan child

Building a pagan children library has certainly gotten easier than it was 27 years ago when I started. I have to say, though, that I am still not finding the rich resources that I would have expected, given the number of extremely creative pagan parents I know.

Then again, I haven't done a whole lot to add to the resources, so I can hardly complain. (One book that I have finally found an artist for will be published as soon as she's finished -- but that's not a lot!)

Still, I have found some truly wonderful stuff, so I figured that I'd share what I know about, in hopes that other would do the same and we can all support the writers and artists who are supporting us and boost our kids libraries.

Pagan Books for Kids

For the real littles, I have found only The ABC Book of Shadows by Katie Lydon Olivares -- an alphabet board book full of pagan vocabulary and sweet art. (A is for Altar, B is for Beltaine, etc.) It's a nice start, but the book seems to be out of print and can be hard to find. (It took Amazon 6 months to find a copy for me.)

For the bigger kids who are ready for stories with chapters, W. Lyon Martin has written and found a publisher for two books aimed at early school-aged children: An Ordinary Girl; a Magickal Child and Aidan’s First Full Moon Circle. Ordinary Girl follows the adventures of a little girl called "Rabbit" as she explores her families paganism, starting with an explanation of what paganism means and continuing with Rabbit's own paganing ceremony. She briefly explores God and Goddess, Magic, Circles, the Wheel of the Year, discrimination and how to cope with it, moon cycles, and family magick like house blessings and banishing bad dreams. It's a sweet book and Jack and I enjoy reading it from time to time.

We only got Aidan this Yule and we haven't had a chance to slow down and read it yet, but the reviews say "Aidan and his parents have been solitary witches for as long as he can remember. At the rising of the Harvest Moon, his family is invited to a local coven’s Full Moon Esbat celebration. Aidan is jittery about joining a Circle full of strangers. While he is enjoying himself around the bonfire, the High Priestess and his mother cook up a plan to get him involved in the Harvest Moon ritual. Aidan learns he is an important member of the Pagan community." Sounds good to me. Of course, Jack has celebrated in community all his life, but the idea that not everyone does is a good thing to share. If Aiden lives up to Lyon Martin's previous book, it will be a treat for us to enjoy when life slows down in the new year.

Anika Stafford has given us Aisha's Moonlit Walk , in which little Aisha celebrates each of the eight Sabbats with her family a friends. It's similar in outline to Magickal Child, but different enough that Jack and I enjoy reading them and comparing how different families celebrate and comparing that to how we celebrate.

Finally, we come to A Witches Primer, Grade One by Lorin Manderly. It's not a story book but a young children's pagan curriculum for use by parents or children's circles. There are a little over 150 pages with no pictures at all, so it probably won't hold the attention of the very young. (Jack loves to read, but it doesn't really keep his attention yet at four and a half.) I do find it useful to read myself for ideas about how to explain some complex concepts for really little kids, though. Even when I don't entirely agree with her, Manderly helps me to find ways of explaining my beliefs that Jack can follow. I look forward to hearing that Grade Two is available, as well.

That pretty much sums up what I have found that is specifically pagan. Of course, there are plenty of less specific books that we enjoy.

Non-Pagan Books for Pagan Kids

I have no idea whether Ellen Jackson is "one of us"; probably not, but I find that hers is a name to look for.

So far we have Earth Mother, a lovely story about the balance of all the earth's creatures that seems like it might be based on a traditional African story. Man thanks the Goddess for giving him yummy frogs to eat, and complains about the pesky mosquitoes. Mother listens calmly and patiently, and then moves on to frog, who thanks her for the yummy mosquitoes to eat, but complains about the pesky and dangerous man. Mother listens calmly and patiently, and then moves on to mosquito, who thanks her for the yummy man on whom she feeds, but complains abput that pesky and dangerous frog who dines on her. Mother listens calmly and patiently, and then moves on, and nothing changes. The world is perfect just as it. The art is lovely, and the message is a very good one for teaching littles about the interlocking of all earth's creatures before we dtart trying to explain the ethics of magick.

Summer Solstice, Celebrating the Harvest/ The Autumn Equinox, Winter Solstice, and Celebrating the Greening of the Earth/ The Spring Equinox are mainly scientific and anthropological but it's good to have books that acknowledge our holidays and talks about the history of people celebrating them through time, anyway. ;)

In a similar vein to Jackson's seasonal books, Wendy Pfeffer's The Shortest Day explains what the winter solstice is and how it has been observed by various cultures throughout history. It is a more or less astronomical and anthropological review, but again, having books about one of "our" holidays is helpful and this one incorporates a few exercises you can do with your older children.

Eileen Spinelli gives us I Know It's Autumn. In it, the narrator, a child of six or seven, tells all about the signs in her (rather rural) life that Autumn has come, from the change in the light, to pumpkin muffins on the breakfast table, to the harvest at the market and the appearance of winter coats again. It's a simple picture book that younger children will enjoy and older children can read for themselves. Again, I like the fact that it focuses on the changing of the seasons, and although the scene isn't described in much detail, the family does go to what looks like it may be a Sabbat circle or a powwow at one point. It's kept vague enough that a child who is accustomed to those ideas will respond to the familiarity, but a child who isn't won' t miss much.

Chris Van Allsburg's The Stranger is just plain cool -- and my kids and I have long thought that surely the stranger is a weather sprite or a Pan-like god in charge of wild-life and weather.

Brother Eagle and Sister Sky A message from Chief Seattle isn't neo-pagan, and there is a great deal of controversy about how much resemblance it bears to anything Chief Seattle may have said, but Jack loves it and it certainly send a message of the importance of honouring the earth. That's good enough for us for the time being. I don't encourage Jack to think of it as representative of Native American spirituality, except, perhaps in spirit -- just as it's not neo-pagan spirituality, except maybe in spirit.

In a more classical vein, I highly recommend Mordicai Gerstein's Tales of Pan, a book of silly stories about the classical world's favorite mischief maker.

So, that's what I found one one quick perusal of the book shelves. What books have helped you to educate your baby witchling? Please do share, in comments or in e-mail!

How shall we dress the children?

I came across an article a couple of weeks ago that still has me scratching my head.

Granted, it was on the MSNBC site, and that's the online equivalent of USA Today for it's depth and sophistication, so I am probably giving it way more thought than it deserves. But still... they posed a strange question.

Victoria Clayton of MSNBC asks us

"It seems more and more people are hopping on Frost’s bandwagon and marketing pint-sized versions of adult tastes. It’s down with Barney and up with the black CBGB onesies. Out with the primary colors and pastels and in with cool, contemporary children’s furniture.

But is it really cool for the kids? Are celebs and others just using offspring as the latest “in” accessory, instead of a big purse or a Chihuahua?

Face it. Kids much prefer a Dora the Explorer shirt than a Wilco or CBGB shirt"

Miss Clayton must be very young. (Actually, I suspect that Miss Clayton was more interested in creating a pretext for advertising the hip online kids retailer featured in her article than in any specific question she posed, but we'll grant her the assumption of journalistic integrity.)

Since we began wearing clothes, children have mostly dressed like small adults. At the time that childhood was "invented" in the 17th century, there were no special clothes, books, games, toys, or roles for children. Once infancy was over, children were seen as smaller, less experienced people. (Not unlike those of us in portly middle age view our thirty year old peers.)

By the Victorian era, three hundred years after childhood was first perceived as a distinct period of life, we saw the romanticising of childhood. Children were dressed in special clothes that were meant to evoke innocence. A few years later, in the era in which I grew up, the mother-daughter dresses were all the rage, and children were very often dressed like their parents.

I can see value in both of these approaches -- dressing children in children's clothing, evoking the innocence of childhood, is a charming way of reminding ourselves (as individuals, and especially as a culture) that we had these children to cherish them, and that they need our protection. Face it, there are harried, stressful days when we could use the reminder.

On the other hand, dressing children the way that we prefer to dress ourselves sends them (and us) the message that we are a team, that we expect that they will grow up to value the things we value.

There are two related trends in the way we as a culture dress our children that Miss Clayton doesn't address, and I think those trends are far more important to consider.

One is the trend to dress very young girls in a way that sexualizes them. The other is to dress our children as corporate shills. Both are alarming trends and both frighten me.

Do we seriously want to tell our sons and daughters that a girl's most important role is that of sexual object? Have women fought for the last 100 years only for us let our daughters be typecast and trivialized again?

And on the other hand, do we really want to send the message to our children that the role they should aspire to is "consumer"? When we pay for the "privilege" of advertising for a mega corporation on our clothing, we elevate the importance of that product in our minds and in the minds of our children. (And, yes, I include Dora, Thomas, and every other character that every kindergartner knows the name of in this.) We send a subtle message that we can be defined by the products we buy. That's exactly the impression that large corporations would like us to have, but how sad for us, how sad for our children, if we buy into that confining view of ourselves.

Is this what we have come to as a nation? Has corporate America not gone far enough in polluting our political system and undermining our national values? Should they now also own our children's backs as billboards?

No!

Bring on the the CBGB or Chicago Symphony Orchestra onesies and the t-shirts bearing political statements (of any persuasion), dress your child jeans, or overalls, or sweats, or gingham -- in whatever way coveys the lifestyle and political views you prefer -- but spare the children the sexy outfits and please, please lets keep the merchandising off our babies backs!

Parenting perfection

“Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”

Robert Browning

The recent Venus retrograde (reexamining values) has resulted in a lot of people questioning the things that matter most to them.

In many of the blogs I read, I have read the concerns of conscientious parents beating themselves up for being human. It's better than some of the alternatives, I suppose. The papers are full of stories of parents who if nature were just, would have been barren. But it's so sad to see good, caring parents struggling with an image of perfection they think they have to emulate to be 'good enough'.

Having born my first child 34 years ago, I have had a lot of time to ask myself what parenting means and what makes a good (or good enough) parent.

In my 20s and 30, I think I suffered the twin errors of holding myself to too high a standard and the complete inability to see where I was really making a mess. That's not unusual, I think. In my late thirties and my forties, when TJ and Corey were teenagers and young adults, I had time and experience to really think about what I had tried to accomplish, where I thought it had gone well and where it had failed disastrously. I was very hard on myself for the things that had gone badly and blamed myself for their having such hard teen years. Some of it truly was the result of the way I parented them, some wasn't. In the end, I am extremely proud of the men they have grown into. They didn't make the choices I might have wished for them -- but they are good men, contributing to their communities and very caring of their children and elders.

A few years ago, of course, I had the unexpectedly luxury of Jack's arrival and a chance to try again. That set off all the questions about parenting and how I approach it again.

I've come to some conclusions that would have startled and maybe even angered my younger self. There are ideals I cherished deeply at the age of 20 that I have rethought. There are things I was adamant about with TJ and Corey that I am doing very differently with Jack and would do over again for my older boys if I could.

As an example, I wanted to believe that if we are gently raised and trusted and treated well,we will grow into gentle, conscientious, trustworthy people. In the end, that seems to have been true. But it made for some very, very hard years with ill-mannered children in between as the kids took their cues from other kids, since I wasn't providing much explicit guidance.

While I still believe that it is important for everyone to take responsibility for their actions rather than just following authority in sheep-like submission, I have come to have more respect for the important of teaching children manners and interpersonal respect and then expecting them to show good manners and respect. I still believe that respect is something that must be earned rather than being granted because we demand it -- but I have come to realize that young children don't have to experience with which to question authority. First they have to be taught how to show respect, then later, as they develop more intellectual sophistication and acquire more experience with which to judge whether or not someone has earned respect, they can be taught the importance of being responsible for their own actions, regardless of who told them to do what. Eventually they will understand not only that it is important to question authority when it's in conflict with their own sense of right and wrong, they will know why it is important. That's a subtle difference that was lost on my 21 year old self.

There is one thing I am, unfortunately, doing very much the same with Jack as I did with his older brothers. It's a flaw of mine that I am not proud of and I do my best to overcome it -- but unlike in my youth, I have decided not to beat myself up over it. Oddly, accepting it has made it somewhat easier to control; but so has the support of a good, strong partner.

I am cranky.

I try very hard to be patient and kind and tolerant, but some times that it is simply beyond me. I open my mouth and out comes something I instantly regret. Perhaps it's partly a matter of having grown up with parent who had six children in their first five years of marriage -- my parents were overwhelmed and they yelled. I don't blame them -- two children nearly drove me around the bend! I think they're heroes because they got us all to adulthood intact and we all turned out to be self-supporting and reasonably sane. (I was their close call, but I think I acquired a sufficient ability to pass for sane, anyway.)

But, I also grew up to be a yeller.

What's worse, I sometimes yell when it's not even really warranted. It's bizarre, really. Some days I can be patient in the face of great frustration and really naughty behavior. Other days, a minor oops will set me off. I don't really know what the difference is, and I strive to be patient and pleasant always...but the reality is, sometimes the best I can do is notice quickly that I'm being horrible and stop and apologize.

I used to blame it on the children's behavior -- and then one day I couldn't anymore. I began to see that my temper tantrums didn't have all that much to do with the children's behavior. Then I beat myself up and felt like a horrible mother. I did the best I could, and I tried always to stop and apologize when i caught myself...but the guilt was immense.

I guess it went ok. I think the older boys have survive my moodiness and still know how deeply I love them. Sadly, I see that my oldest has inherited the family moodiness and is also prone to being cranky with his children -- but they don't seem to doubt his love either, so I guess they'll survive.

And that brings me to a very important point. I say it a lot when discussing parenting.

The one quality every parent on the planet has in common is that we are all human. We have different flaws, but we all have flaws -- we are inherently incapable of perfection.

So ... we can't be perfect. We just can't. It can't be done. If we were capable of perfection, we wouldn't need to be here. We'd be wearing ethereal wings or (not?) experiencing nirvana or something.

Shouldn't we try? Well sure we should. (See the Browning quote in the title of this post.)

Even more important, we should realize that human children weren't meant to be raised by robots or saints. Sure, it models how to be a saint or a robot, and they get only the best modeling.

...or do they? (This one dawned on me after living with a couple of people who had elders who modeled something so far beyond their ability to attain that they gave up and didn't try to do anything -- fifty year olds who had never held a real job and had no goals.)

One of the things that spurs us on to greater heights is the strengths we learn from our parents. Another is the urge to do better at the things at which they weren't as successful. Which of us didn't get a charge the first time we beat Dad at chess, baked something Mom said was "too hard" and had it come out right, or in some other way went our parents one better? What if your kids didn't think they could do you one better at something worthwhile? What if your example was so unattainably perfect at every turn that they couldn't touch it in their wildest dreams? Would you really want to do that to your kids? Granted, none of us is in any real danger of perfection, so this isn't counsel to relax and stop trying, it's just another way of looking at the inevitable mistakes we make.

We can use them to model for our children how to cope with the flaws that they, too, will inevitably have. We can't work on what we daren't look at or admit to. When we screw up, perhaps we are actually teaching our children valuable lessons on humility, on persistence, and on forgiveness.

We have to be prepared to admit to our children that we make mistakes, we must be prepared to apologize to them, we must hear them when they have a complaint about the way we're behaving, because sometimes it will be whining, but sometimes their complaint will be warranted.

Oddly, children seem to take it a lot better to be told they're 'out of luck' when they're being whiny because life isn't fair if they also know that when we're wrong, we can admit it. They are also quicker to admit to having made a mistake if they've seen us model how to own up to a mistake and seen that the world doesn't end.

It's been very empowering to look at my flaws as yet another parenting tool. When I snap at Jack for being four, I haven't failed. I have been presented with another opportunity to model how to be a good person. Funny thing...Jack has started to hug me when I apologize and say "it's OK, Mamma". And he has started to apologize without being prompted when he does something naughty .

Now I wish I could go back and do it again -- TJ and Corey deserved a lot more than they got from me. I had a tool I didn't even know about.