Another Milestone

Around the age of four and a half or five, most children attain a milestone that few, if any, parent looks forward to or feels prepared for. Jack has just attained that milestone.

Jack has become aware of death and comprehends it enough to be worried about it. So far, he's not afraid of dying himself, but he is afraid of Rod or me dying. He has several friends whose mothers died when they were still small children. He also knows that both of his grandfathers have died. Losing a parent is a scary proposition.

Now, having been through this stage before, Rod and I were not caught entirely off-guard. We had found ways to answer the hard questions before, at least. Interestingly the thing that seems to offer the most comfort to Jack right now is when I tell him that TJ and Corey worried about this when they were four, too, and that their parents are all still here, even though they're adults now. And that I worried about death when I was four, and I was grown up with teenage children (and my own driver' license) when my Dad died -- and my Mom is still here!

So far his concern is on the pragmatic level:

"Dad, when your Dad died, who drived you around?"

"Mamma, did you know how to drive when your Dad died?"

"If a Mamma or a Dad dies, who cooks for their child?"

But I am also away from home for a few days this week for the first time in Jack's life (I will be staying with the teen-aged son of a friend who is having surgery.) and that is making the questions more pressing. Jack is concerned about my being away, but he is also worried about our friends. He understands that Matt hasn't got a spare parent and he does, so he will share me while Mark in in the hospital. (He's mildly perplexed because Matt is taller than I am, and in the simple world of a four year old, that suggests that Matt is an adult, and older than I am -- but he is willing to take my word for it that Matt is too young to be alone for several days.) But he is concerned because Mark is in the hopital, and he knows that people often go to the hospital to die. We've been as reassuring as we can, but I think he will just have to see Mark again to be really reassured.

And so, of course, I am hunting for a book or three about death to help him grok. So far, most of the books I am finding are aimed at children who are experiencing death in their own lives. I'm glad those books are out there because certainly they are needed, but they aren't what *I* am looking for. I am finding fewer to help a child who is becoming aware, but not through personal experience.

We already have Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley. Badger's Parting Gifts is an excellent look at the death of a well-loved member of the community and the way that his friends coped with their deeply felt loss, but it looks at death through the lens of animal characters which I think removes some of the emotional intensity for small children. It shows death as a natural next step after a long life and a solution to a failing body, rather than something to fear, which I quite like. The main focus of the book is about how Badger remains present amongst his friends, in the form of all the things he taught them, which is lovely.

Another book that looks very promising is Lifetimes: A Beautiful Way To Explain Death To Children. It seems (from reviews) to have just the right tone for our needs; it's not too emotional and not too religious, leaving us room to speak of our own beliefs.

I also bought The Next Place by Warren Hanson to help with the idea that dying isn't to be feared. It is, as I understand it, pretty vague while being reassuring. I like the fact that it points out that no *really* knows what the next place is, because, of course, we don't remember. ;)

Though the death of a tree doesn't really speak to Jack's immediate concerns, The Gift of the Tree looks like it will be useful in creating an understanding in the cycle of life and deaths place in it. Combined with other books, it seems like a good addition.

If anyone has suggestions of other books that have worked for your families, I would be very happy to hear about them.